[ Traffic Noises ]
♪ Uno, dos ♪
♪ Tres, cuatro ♪
♪ Ahh ♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]
♪ I got my pistol pawn cocked ready to lay shots nonstop ♪
♪ Until I see your monkey ass drop ♪
♪ And let your homies know who done it ♪
♪ When it comes to this gangsta shit, you motherfuckers know who run it ♪
♪ We're standing up for our own shit ♪
♪ And if you put this motherfucker to the test ♪
- ♪ You gotta realize somethin', nigga ♪ - [ Stereo: Volume Lowers ]
♪ You fuckin' with the very best ♪
- [ Stereo: Volume Increases ] - ♪ I got this killa up inside of me ♪
♪ I can't talk to my mother so I talk to my diary ♪♪
Mother shitter, son of an ass--
You-- I'll just--
I was told-- Have you--
I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed.
[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
[ Grumbles ]
[ Electrical Crackle ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Woman ] Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Hello, Peter. What's happening?
Uh, we have sort of a problem here.
Yeah, you apparently didn't put one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I-I forgot.
Mmm, yeah.
You see, we're putting the cover sheets on all T.P.S. reports now before they go out.
Did you see the memo about this?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have the memo right here. I just, uh, forgot.
But it's not shipping out till tomorrow, so there's no problem.
Yeah.
If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that would be great.
And, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo.
- Mm-kay? bye-bye, Peter. - Yeah, no, I have the memo.
I've got it. It's right--
[ Lumbergh ] Hello, Phil. What's happening?
Uh, I came by here yesterday--
[ Man On Radio, Indistinct ]
- [ Mumbling ] - Milton?
Hi. Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?
Well, I-I was told that I could listen to the radio...
at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.
Yeah, no, no, I know you're allowed to. I, uh--
I was just thinking maybe like, you know, a personal favor, you--
Well, I-I told Bill that if-if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones...
while she's-- while she's filing, then I should be able to listen...
- to the radio while I'm collating. - Uh-huh.
So, I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio.
- Yeah, all right. Okay. - Because I enjoy listening...
- at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00. - Thanks, Milton.
Hi, Peter.
What's happening? We need to talk about your T.P.S. reports.
Yeah, the cover sheet. I know. I know.
- Uh, Bill talked to me about it. - Yeah.
- Did you get that memo? - Yeah, I got the memo.
And I understand the policy and the problem is just that I forgot the one time.
I've already taken care of it, so it's not really a problem anymore.
Ah, yeah. It's just we're putting new cover sheets...
on all the T.P.S. reports before they go out now.
So, if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.
All right!
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Ring ]
- Peter Gibbons. - [ Man ] Yeah. Peter?
- Yes. - Did you get the memo about the T.P.S. reports?
I have the memo.
- [ Whirring, Beeping ] - No, not again.
Why does it say "paper jam" when there is no paper jam?
I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
You and me both, man. The thing is lucky I'm not armed.
- Piece of shit. - Sam Ire--
Na-- Na-- Na-- Naga--
- No. Please. - Uh-huh.
Michael...
- Bolton? - That's me.
Wow. Is that your real name?
- Yeah. [ Clears Throat ] - So, are you related to that singer guy?
- No, it's just a coincidence. - Oh.
[ Mutters ] Yeah, you fuckin' cow.
No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right.
I-It's not that hard-- Nagheenanajar. Nagheenanajar.
Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 1 2 years old...
and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Hmm. Why don't-- Why don't you just, uh, go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
- Hey, guys. - What's up, G.?
- Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee? - Oh, it's a little early.
I gotta get out of here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
[ Woman Chuckles ]
Boy, I tell you. Some days.
One of these days it's just gonna be like-- [ Imitates Machine Gun ]
[ Imitates Machine Gun, Laughs ]
So, can I get you gentlemen something more to drink, or maybe something to nibble on?
Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas?
Just coffee.
Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays. [ Chuckles ]
What if we’re still doing this when we're 50?
It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I-I can tell already.
I'm gonna end up doing it because, uh-- because I'm a big pussy.
Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Yeah, well, I work at Initech, and I don't consider myself a pussy. Okay?
Yes, I am also not a pussy.
They're gonna find out the hard way I'm not a pussy...
- if they don't start treating their software people better. - That's right.
I don't understand. I could program a virus that would rip that place off big-time.
- Yeah. - Big-time.
- Whoa. - There she is.
Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl.
If you’re so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?
No, I can't do that. I'm just another asshole customer.
You can’t just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.
Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.
Uh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday.
- Why not? - I'm gonna see this, uh...
occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
- Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist? - Yeah, I know.
Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. I'm--
You know, sometimes I think I—
I get thinking that she's cheating on me.
- Yeah, I know what you mean. - Yeah.
What is that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Look. Just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis and you wanna play poker.
No, I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off.
And, besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help.
I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
Peter, she's anorexic.
Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist...
is gonna help you solve any of your problems.
Okay? Hey, and speaking of problems...
what's this I hear about you having problems with your T.P.S. reports?
Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
- Hey! Hey, guys! Peter! - Is that Smykowski?
- Samir! - [ Samir ] What's he doing?
Oh, probably working on another heart attack.
I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this?
- I knew it. I knew it. - What? It's a staff meeting. So what?
So what? We're all screwed, that's what. They're gonna downsize Initech.
What are you talking about, Tom? How do you know that?
How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know.
That's what this staff meeting is all about.
It happened at Initrode last year.
You have to interview with this consultant. They call them "efficiency experts."
But what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job.
[ Michael ] Every week you say you're going to lose your job, and you're still here.
[ Tom ] Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off.
The thought of having to go to the state unemployment office, to stand in line with scumbags!
Shit.
You know, there are people in this world that don't have to put up with all this shit.
Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock?
You see, that's what you have to do.
You have to use your mind...
and come up with some really great idea like that.
And you can make millions. Never have to work again.
You think the Pet Rock was a really great idea?
Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars.
You know, I had an idea like that once, a long time ago.
Really? What was it, Tom?
Well, all right.
It was a "jump to conclusions" mat.
You see, it would be this mat...
that you would put on the floor...
and it would have different conclusions written on it...
that you could jump to.
That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.
Uh, look, I gotta get outta here.
I'll see you guys later...
- if I still have a job. - Yeah.
Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do...
if you had a million dollars, didn't have to work.
And, invariably, whatever you'd say, that was supposed to be your career.
If you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
- So what did you say? - I never had an answer.
I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
No. You're working at Initech 'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.
If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors...
because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
You know what I would do if I had million dollars?
I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds...
and then take the other half of it to my friend Asadulah, who works in securities--
Samir. Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise...
- is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if-- - [ Beeps ]
"P.C. load letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
What the--
[ TV On, Indistinct ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Man ] Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9!
- Check out this chick! - Damn it, Lawrence.
Can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?
Oh, sorry, man! Anne over there or somethin'?
No, but... if you wanna talk to me, just come over.
Hey, man. Check this out, dude.
[ Woman ] The key is early detection. Tumors that are detected--
- Aw, geez, Lawrence. - I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.
Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Yeah. A little bit. I—
Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Yeah. I guess. I-I don't know.
Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.
Yeah. I get that feeling too, man.
What do you mean by that?
I don't know, man.
I just get that feeling lookin' at her, like...
she's the type of chick that would just--
[ Groans ]
Oh, I'm sorry, man. Look, I-I—
You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass. I don't know nothin'.
Forget it. Don't worry. It's all right. Just-- I had a rough day.
Tell me about it, man. [ Groans ]
I gotta wake my ass up at 6:00 a.m. every day this week...
drag up to Las Clindas.
Yeah. I'm doin' the drywall up there at the new McDonald's.
Let me ask you something.
When you come in on Monday and you're not feelin' real well...
does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?
No.
No, man.
Shit, no, man.
I believe you'd get your ass kicked, sayin' somethin' like that, man.
- Huh. - We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday. I just know it.
Well, you can get out of that easily.
Yeah? How?
Well...
when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday...
- he generally asks you at the end of the day, right? - Yeah.
So all you gotta do is avoid him-- That's all right. I got it--
on the last dew hours on Friday, duck out early...
turn off your answering machine, you should be home free, man.
That's a really good idea.
Fuckin'-A, man.
Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
I'll tell you what I'd do, man.
Two chicks at the same time, man.
That's it?
If you had a million dollars, y-you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Damn straight. I've always wanted to do that, man.
I think if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up too.
- 'Cause chicks dig dudes with money. - Well, not all chicks.
Well, the type of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do.
- Good point. - Well, what about you now
- What would you do? - Besides two chicks at the same time?
- Well, yeah. - Nothing.
Nothin', huh?
I would relax.
I would sit on my ass all day.
I would do nothing.
Well, you don't NEED a million dollars to do nothin', man.
Take a look at my cousin. He's broke, don't do shit.
[ Nina's Voice ] Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.
[ Lumbergh ] So, you should ask yourself:
With every decision you make, is this good for the company?
- Am I helping with-- - Is that the guy?
Yeah. We're screwed.
Okay, then, um--
I'd like to go ahead and welcome, uh, a new member to our team here.
This is, uh, Bob Slydell.
Yeah. Uh--
Bob is a consultant.
Yeah. He's gonna be sort of, uh...
helping us out a little here...
asking some questions, maybe seeing if there are some ways...
we can make things run a little more smoothly around here.
Yeah. Oh, and remember...
next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day.
So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh...
wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
And I said I don't care if they lay me off, either.
Because I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time...
then I'm-- I'm quitting-- I'm going to quit.
And I told Dom too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year.
And I used to be over by the window...
and I could see the squirrels, and they were married.
But then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler.
But I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much...
and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.
- Okay, Milton. - [ Milton On Phone ] And, oh, no, it's not okay...
because if they make me-- if they take my stapler...
then I'll-- I'll have to-- I'll set the building on fire.
Okay, well, that sounds, uh-- that sounds great.
- Uh, I'll talk to you later, all right? Bye. - [ Milton Stammering ]
Oh.
Yeah.
Good-bye.
[ Clicking ]
Come on.
Oh, for cryin'--
Hello, Peter. What's happening?
Um... I'm gonna need you...
to go ahead and come in tomorrow.
So if you could be here around...
9:00, that would be great.
Mm-kay?
Oh, oh, and I almost forgot.
Uh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in...
on Sunday too, 'kay?
We, um, lost some people this week...
and, uh, we need to sort of play catch-up.
Thanks.
[ Peter ] So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized...
ever since I started working, um...
every single day of my life has been worse than...
the day before it.
So that means that every single day that you see me...
that's on the worst day of my life.
What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
- Yeah. - Wow. That's messed up.
I'm sorry. Go on.
Is there any way that you could sort of...
just zonk me out so that, like, I don't know that I'm at work... in here?
Could I come home and think that I've been fishing all day, or something?
That's... really not what I do, Peter.
[ Chuckles ] However...
the good news is, I think I can help you.
I want you to do something for me, Peter.
I want you to try and relax.
I want you to relax every muscle in your body...
beginning with your toes to your fingertips.
Now, I want you to relax your legs.
You're beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy...
as you slip deeper and deeper...
into a state of complete relaxation.
All your cares and concerns are disappearing.
Deeper and deeper. Way down.
Your concern about your job...
melts away...
way, way down.
[ Grunts ]
Now, when I count backwards from three...
you'll be in a state of complete relaxation.
Your worries, cares and inhibitions will be gone...
and you will remain in that state...
until I snap my fingers.
Three. Deeper and deeper.
Way, way down.
Two. Deeper and deeper.
W-W-Way down.
[ Labored Breathing ] Whu-- Whu-- One.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! Doctor Swanson!
- Ex! Ex! - [ Woman ] Is he breathing?
- Call 91 1 ! - Oh! Where's the phone? Where's the goddamn phone?
[ Man ] Hurry!
- [ Anne ] Peter! - Hurry!
[ Beeping ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Phone Rings ]
- [ Answering Machine Beeps ] - [ On Answering Machine ] Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lumbergh.
It's about... 1 0:00.
Yeah. Just, uh, wondering where you are.
- [ Rings ] - [ Beeps ]
Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh again.
Uh, I just wanted to make sure you knew...
that we did start at the, uh, usual time this morning.
Yeah. It isn't a half day or anything like that.
So, if you could just go ahead...
and get here as soon as possible, that would be terrific.
Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lum--
- Yeah. It's-- - Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh--
Yeah. It's me again. Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute.
- [ Phone Rings ] - Just checking in, in case you called while I was gone.
- Hello? - [ Anne ] Peter, what's going on?
- Huh? - It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?
Because I— I— I didn't feel like it.
[ Scoffs ] Peter, what's gotten into you?
First, you just sit there while Dr. Swanson dies.
Then you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my friends.
- Don't blame this on hypnosis, either. That's total bull-- - [ Beeps ]
- [ Phone Rings ] - [ Answering Machine Beeps ]
[ Anne ] Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me.
We're through. Oh, and one more thing.
I've been cheating on you!
[ Line Disconnects, Beeps ]
So, from now on, only use the new time sheets...
if you’ve worked on two or more job codes in one day...
and you need the extra columns to fit it all in.
- Otherwise, use the old time sheets-- - Where's Peter?
I heard he didn't show up this weekend.
- Uh, I don't know. - I think this new system will really, really help us out.
- Who the hell is that guy? - So, uh, any questions?
- Hi. I'm Peter. - Hi. Can I help you?
What are you doin' for lunch today?
Uh, well, our specials today are blackened chicken.
And-- It's actually right there on the board. Excuse me.
Hey, look who's back!
Table for three to--
I was askin' what you were doin' for lunch.
Would you like to have lunch with me?
[ Scoffs ] Are you-- Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, I don't-- I don't think I'm supposed to do that.
Oh. Okay.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go next door and get a table.
And if you’d like to join me, uh, no big deal, all right?
And if not, that's cool too. Okay?
- Okay. - All right.
When you say, "next door," do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?
Flinger's.
Okay.
What you do at Initech is you take the specifications from the customers...
and you bring them down to the software engineers.
Yes. Y-Yes. That's-- That's right.
Well, then I just have to ask...
why couldn't the customers just take them directly to the software people, huh?
Well, I'll tell you why.
Uh, because... engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
Uh-huh.
So, you physically take the specs from the customer?
Well--
No. My secretary does that, or they're faxed.
Huh.
So then you must physically bring them to the software people.
Well... no.
I mean, sometimes.
Ah.
What would you say you do here?
Well, look, I already told you.
I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to.
I have people skills. I am good at dealing with people!
Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
I--
Let's see.
You are Michael...
- Bolton? - Yeah.
- Is that your real name? - Yeah.
Are you any relation to the pop singer?
- No, it's-- it's just a coincidence. - I'll be honest with you.
- I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton fan. - Me too.
I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."
But you must really love his music, huh?
[ Men Chuckle ]
Yeah, he's-- he's-- he's pretty--
- He's pretty good, I guess. - You're goddamn right, he is.
- [ Men Laugh ] - Right.
So, tell me. What's your favorite song of his?
Mmm--
[ Clears Throat ] I don't-- I don't know.
[ Chuckles ] I mean, I guess I sort of like them all.
That's a riot. I'm the exact same way.
But it must be twice as hard for you, being having the same name as him.
I celebrate the guy's entire catalog.
Anyway, let's get down to business, Michael.
You know, you can just call me Mike.
- Hi. - Hey.
I wonder if I'm allowed to, uh, wear this in here.
I think it'll be okay. Would you like to sit down?
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Wow! This place is really... nice.
Yeah. Is it?
Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie's!
I like the uniforms better, anyway.
I like yours.
Ugh!
- "We're not in Kansas anymore." - [ Scoffs ]
Yeah, really. [ Chuckles ]
It's on your--
Ohh! Yeah. That's-- That's, uh--
- That's one of my-- my pieces of flair. - What's a piece of flair?
Oh, it's, uh, where, you know, like these suspenders...
and, uh, the buttons are all sort of--
We're actually required to wear, um, 1 5 pieces of flair.
It's really stupid, actually.
- Do you get to pick 'em yourself? - Yeah, yeah, we do.
Although I didn't actually choose these.
I just sort of grabbed, you know, 1 5 buttons and just--
I don't even know what they say. You know, I don't really care.
I don't really like talking about my flair.
- Okay. - So...
- where do you, uh, work, Peter? - Initech.
And, yeah, what-- what do you do there?
I sit in a cubicle...
and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
- What's that? - Well, see, they wrote all this bank software...
and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four.
So, like, 98 instead of 1 998.
Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh--
It doesn't really matter.
I, uh-- I don't like my job, and, uh...
I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
- You're just not gonna go? - Yeah.
- Won't you get fired? - I don't know.
But I really don't like it and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
What, so you're gonna quit?
Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh-- I'm just gonna stop going.
Uh, when did you decide all of that?
- About an hour ago. - Oh, really.
- Yeah. - About an hour ago.
So you're gonna get another job?
I don't think I'd like another job.
Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and--
You know, I've never really liked paying bills.
I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Uh, well, so what do you wanna do?
I wanna take you out to dinner...
and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu
Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
- I love Kung Fu. - Channel 39.
- Totally. - You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
- Okay. - Great.
Okay. Can we order lunch first?
- Yeah. - Okay.
[ Muttering ]
[ Indistinct Conversation ]
Not working out.
Took a stapler off my desk--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ All Laughing ]
Anyway, sounds great, Bob. See you in a few.
Hi, Milton. What's happening?
- I'm sorry? - Um, I'm going to have to ask you...
to go ahead and move your desk again.
- Eh-- What? No. - So, if you could go ahead...
and get it as far back against that wall as possible...
- that would be great. - No, no, because I was--
- I was told I no longer-- - That way, we'll have some room...
for some of these boxes and things we need to put in here.
- There's no room. - And, uh--
Oh. Oh, there it is.
- What? - Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you.
- [ Moans ] - Great.
- [ Whimpering ] - So if you could just get to that...
as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Mm-kay?
- Thanks a bunch, Milton. Good-bye. - But--
Well, okay, but...
I could set the building on fire.
- Peter. - Michael.
What the hell's going on, man? I thought you were gonna come in here and start shooting.
No. I just came to get my address book. I'm not gonna stay.
- I got a phone number, Mike, that I don't wanna lose. - What?
Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday.
- What were you doing? - Michael, I did nothing.
I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh.
You're supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.
- The who? - The consultants.
What has gotten into you?
Oh, yeah. Right.
Wait, Peter. Peter. You gotta postpone it, man.
Tell 'em you've been sick. Make something up.
Oh, no way. No, I feel great.
It's the best day of my life.
Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons.
- Uh-huh. - Ah, there you are.
We were just talking about you. You must be Peter Gibbons.
Uh-huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell. This is my associate Bob Porter.
Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.
Why don't you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute or two.
You see, what we're actually trying to do here is we're just--
We're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work.
So, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day for you?
- Yeah. - Great.
Well, I generally come in at least 1 5 minutes late.
Uh, I use the side door.
That way Lumbergh can't see me.
And, uh-- And after that...
I just sort of space out for about an hour.
- Uh, "space out"? - Yeah.
I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working.
I do that for, uh, probably another hour after lunch too.
I'd say in a given week, I probably only do about 1 5 minutes...
of real, actual work.
Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport...
and indulge us and just... tell us a little more?
Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something about T.P.S. reports.
[ Chuckles ]
The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.
Don't-- Don't care?
It's a problem of motivation, all right?
Now, if I work my ass off and Initech ships a dew extra units...
I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation?
And here's something else, Bob.
I have eight different bosses right now.
- I beg your pardon? Eight? - Eight bosses Eight, Bob.
So that means that when I make a mistake...
I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it.
That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled.
That and the fear of losing my job.
But you know, Bob, that'll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Okay.
What if-- and believe me...
this is so hypothetical--
but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option...
equity-sharing program?
- Would that do anything for you? - I don't know. I guess.
Listen, I'm gonna go. Uh, it's been really nice talking to both of you guys.
Absolutely. The pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
- Okay. Great. Wow. - Thanks a lot.
So, Peter, what's happening?
Listen, uh--
Joanna, would you come here a minute, please?
Yeah.
I'm sorry I was late, but I was having lunch and I, uh--
We need to talk about your flair.
Really? I-I have 1 5 pieces on. I also--
- Well, 1 5 is the minimum, okay? - Oh. Okay.
Now, you know, it's up to you whether or not...
you wanna just do the bare minimum or, uh--
Well, like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair on today.
- And a terrific smile. - Okay, so you want me to wear more?
- Look, Joanna-- - Yeah?
People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay?
They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude.
Okay? That's what the flair's about. It's about fun.
Yeah. Okay, so more then, yeah?
Look, we want you to express yourself. Okay?
Now, if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay.
But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that. Okay?
You do wanna express yourself, don't you?
- Y-Yeah. - Okay, great, great.
That's all I ask.
Okay.
Right, so there's three more people we can easily lose.
And then there's Tom Smykowski.
He's useless.
- Gone. - Sounds good to me.
Here's a peculiar-- Uh, Milton Waddams.
- Who's he? - You know, squirrely-looking guy.
- Mumbles a lot. - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we-- we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
I looked into it more deeply, and I found that apparently what happened...
is that he was laid off five years ago, and no one ever told him about it.
But through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
- Great. - So, uh, Milton has been let go.
Well, just a second there, professor.
We, uh-- We fixed the glitch...
so he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore...
so it'll just work itself out naturally.
We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible.
The problem is solved from your end.
Um, I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons.
Now, we had a chance to meet this young man...
and, boy, that's just a straight shooter...
with upper management written all over him.
[ Inhales ] Ooh.
Yeah. Um--
I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there.
Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately...
and I'm just not sure that he's the caliber person...
that we would want for upper management.
He's also been having some problems with his T.P.S. reports.
I'll handle this.
We feel...
that the problem isn't with Peter.
Mm-mmm.
It's that you haven't challenged him enough to get him really motivated.
There it is.
Yeah, uh, well...
I'm just not sure about that right now.
Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here.
How much time would you say you spend each week...
dealing with these T.P.S. reports?
Yeah.
♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta ♪
♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga plays his cards right ♪
♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga never runs his mouth ♪
♪ 'Cause real gangsta-ass niggas don't start fights ♪
♪ And niggas always gotta high cap ♪
♪ Showin' all his boys how he shot 'em ♪
♪ But real gangsta-ass niggas don't flex nuts ♪
♪ 'Cause real gangsta-ass niggas know they got 'em ♪
♪ And everything's cool in the mind of a gangsta ♪
♪ 'Cause gangsta-ass niggas think deep ♪
♪ Up 365 a year, 24-7 ♪
- [ Indistinct ] - ♪ Real gangsta-ass niggas don't sleep ♪
♪ And all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be ♪
♪ Cootchie-eatin', jealous-heart pranksters ♪
♪ Is when the shit jumps up what you goin' do ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta ♪
[ Lawrence ] Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9.
It's the breast exams. Whoa!
♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta ♪
- Hi, Peter. - ♪ Feedin' the poor and helpin' out with their bills ♪
- Hi, Dom. - ♪ Although I was born in Jamaica ♪
♪ Now I'm in the U.S. making deals ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta ♪
♪ I mean, one that you don't really know ♪
♪ Riding around town in a drop-top Benz ♪
♪ Hittin' switches in my black six-four ♪
♪ Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors ♪
- ♪ Some got killed in the past ♪ - Time for you to leave.
♪ But this gangsta here was a smart one ♪
♪ Started living for the lord and I'll last ♪
♪ Now all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be ♪
♪ Crumbsnatchin', cootchie-eatin' pranksters ♪
♪ When the grim reaper steps up what the hell you gonna do ♪
♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta ♪♪
So, Peter, what's happening?
Uh, now, are you going to go ahead...
and have those T.P.S. reports for us this afternoon?
No.
Ah, yeah.
So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk, hmm?
Not right now, Lumbergh. I'm-- I'm kinda busy.
In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and just come back another time.
I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes.
Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
Yeah, they called me at home.
That sounds good, Peter.
And, uh, we'll go ahead and get this all fixed up for you.
Great.
[ Muttering ]
Hi, Milton. What's happening?
I was-- I-I— I didn't receive my paycheck this week.
Uh, you're going to have to talk to Payroll about that.
I did and they said--
Milt, we're going to need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage "B."
- No, I-I was told I could not-- - We have some new people coming in...
- No. There's-- - and we need all the space we can get.
- But there's no space-- - So if you could just go ahead...
- and pack up your stuff, and move it down there... - [ Stammering ]
- that would be terrific-- mm-kay? - I was told I could stay--
Excuse me.
I believe you have my stapler, please. Mmm.
Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
- I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob. - [ Laughing ]
- Good one. - Oh, that's terrific, Peter.
I-I'm sure you've-- you've heard some of the rumors...
circulating around the hallways about how we're going to be doing...
a little "housecleaning" with some of the software people.
Well, Bob, I have heard that, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
We're gonna be getting rid of these people here.
First, Mr. Samir Naga--
- He-- He-- - Naga--
- Naga-- Not gonna work here anymore anyway. - [ Laughing ]
And Mr. Mike Bolton. Nobody's gonna miss him.
You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Ah, yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates.
Farm some work out to Singapore. That's the usual deal.
- It's standard operating procedure. - Do they know this yet?
No. No, of course not.
We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday.
Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident...
if you do it at the end of the week.
Peter, what we'd like to do is put you into position...
to have as many as four people working right underneath you.
- This is a big promotion, Pete. - It's huge.
So you're going to fire Michael and Samir and you're going to give me more money?
- Hmm? - Wow!
Hmm. Yeah. That's it.
That's exactly what I need. Uh-huh. Give it to me.
Come on, you little fucker. Let's go. That's what I need.
Let's do that. Let's do exactly that, you little fuck--
- Michael. - Hey.
Listen to me.
What are you doing tonight?
Michael, there comes a point in a man's life...
and maybe that time for you is now...
when it doesn't hurt to start thinking about the future.
Uh, no offense there, Peter, but speak for yourself there, sport.
I'm not the one who's been flakin' out at work.
I know you had this religious experience or whatever the hell that was...
but you'd better snap out of it and get your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.
Yeah, and, uh-- and I-- Listen.
That virus you're always talking about, right?
The one that could rip off the company for a bunch of money.
- Yeah, what about it? - Well, how does it work?
It's pretty brilliant.
What it does is, every time there's a bank transaction where interest is computed...
you know, thousands a day, the computer ends up...
with these fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off.
What this does is, it takes those little remainders and puts it into an account.
- This sounds familiar. - Yeah, they did it in Superman III.
- Right, uh-- - An underrated movie, actually.
And a bunch of hackers that did it in the '70s as well. One of them got busted.
- Well, so they check for this now. - No, here's the thing.
Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating for the year 2000...
they'd never notice.
You're right.
And even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.
Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.
So, Michael, what’s to stop you from doing this?
It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
What if you didn't have a good job?
Cock-gobblers!
Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place.
And you, you haven't been showin' up, and you get to keep your job.
- Actually, I'm being promoted. - What?
I know, Michael. It's completely unfair.
And I realized something today.
It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing.
It's about all of us together.
I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist...
and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now...
but when I saw that fat man keel over and die--
Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth.
We weren't meant to spend it this way.
Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles...
staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms...
and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Oh. That is not right, Michael.
For five years now, you've worked your ass off at Initech...
hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit-sharing or something.
Five years of your mid-20s now gone.
And you're gonna go in tomorrow, they're gonna throw you out on the street.
You know why?
So that Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point.
Ugh.
Michael, let's make that stock go down...
and let's take enough money out of that place...
so that we never ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again.
Your software works, right?
Of course it works. That's not the point.
Look, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to install it.
I don't know the credit union's software well enough. Okay?
Yeah.
But Samir does.
- But, Peter, that's not much money. - That's the beauty of it.
Each withdrawal, that's a fraction of a cent. That's too small to notice.
But a dew thousand withdrawals a day, you space it out over a couple of years...
that's a few hundred thousand dollars.
- It’s like Superman I II. - Superman III-- What--
Look, I have to leave now, okay?
I have to get my resumé ready.
Get your resumé ready? For what? For another job where they can just fire you for no reason?
That's right! If I'm lucky!
I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Yes, Peter! But I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Illegal? Samir, this is America!
Come on. Sit down.
Come on. This isn't Riyadh.
They're not gonna saw your hands off here, all right?
The worst they would ever do is, they would put you, for a couple of months...
into a white-collar, minimum-security resort.
Shit, we should be so lucky!
- Do you know they have conjugal visits there? - Really?
- Yes. - [ Michael ] Shit.
I'm a free man, I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
- So, what do you think? - This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.
Samir...
you came here looking for a land of opportunity...
and this is the knock of that opportunity.
Tomorrow's your last day at Initech.
You have two options: unemployment or early retirement.
What's it gonna be?
- I have a question. - Yes?
In-- In these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Yep. You sure can.
Okay, I'll do it.
- That's what I'm talking about when I talk about Amer-- - Peter?
- How about we discuss the plan? - Okay, yeah. Good. Right.
It works like a computer virus.
All we have to do is load it into the credit union mainframe, and it'll do the rest.
Okay. You guys give me that disk, and I'll take care of it from there.
But listen, before we go any further, all right...
we have to swear to God, Allah...
that nobody knows about this but us.
All right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
- Of course. - Agreed.
[ Lawrence ] Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone either!
- What the fuck is that? - No, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right.
Here's how I see it all going down.
Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.
- Thank you, Bob. - We'll get some people under you right away.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
♪♪ [ Rapper Chuckles ]
[ Man ] ♪ It makes me wanna creep ♪
♪ I got somethin' for your mind your body and your soul ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Damn, I'm such a "G" It's pathetic ♪
♪ Here comes the big-headed nigga that's dippin' ♪
♪ Sippin' on Courvoisier ♪
♪ Goddamn I must have to floss today ♪
♪ Now, pimpin' ain't easy but it's necessary ♪
♪ So I'm chasin' bitches like Tom chased Jerry ♪
♪ I put the pedal to the !flo-ah" ♪
♪ In my two-toned Ford Explorer ♪
♪ You know how it's done ♪
♪ Sounds bumpin' Ain't that somethin' ♪
♪Jumped on the 1 1 0 ♪
♪ She's flyin' in the Blazer ♪
- [ Voice Slowed Down ] Hey, how's it goin'? - ♪ Like "Go, Speed Racer" ♪
♪ But I ain't gon' chase her like Racer "X" ♪
♪ But I won't flex till it's time to have sex ♪
♪ So when you wanna get together ♪
♪ 'Cause you know a nigga like me ♪
♪ Is down for whatever ♪
- [ Cell Door Slams ] - ♪ Damn ♪
[ Skipping ] ♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪
♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪♪
- Well, that was easy. - Yeah, I guess it was.
What'd you do with the c--
Hey, man.
Oh, hey, Drew.
- You guys hear about Tom Smykowski? - What, that he got laid off?
No, man. Check it out.
[ Drew ] Last week, right after he found out he was getting laid off...
he goes home and tries to kill himself by running the car in the garage.
- [ Michael ] Is he dead? - [ Drew ] No, man. Check it out.
That wife of his comes home early from work and catches him.
- [ Coughs ] - So he tries to play it off like nothing happened.
I was-- [ Coughs ] having some trouble with the shifter here.
It's jammed, and I couldn't get it into drive.
- I-I-I mean, reverse. - You okay, Tom?
- [ Drew ] Then, as he's looking at her... - Yeah.
- he decides he wants to live. [ Snickers ] - Yeah, I think I'm okay.
- Right. - Seems to be working now. [ Chuckling ]
See ya later, honey!
Love ya!
[ Drew ] But then, as soon as he backs out of his driveway--
Bam! He gets slammed big-time by a drunk driver!
- Is he okay? - Sort of.
He broke both his wrists, legs, couple of ribs, his back.
But he's gonna get a huge settlement out of this, like, seven figures.
He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow.
He's gonna throw a party this weekend to celebrate. We're all invited.
I'm thinkin' I might take that new chick from Logistics.
Things go well, I might be showin' her my "O" face.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about.
"Oh!" [ Chuckles ]
Yeah. Right. See you guys there.
Wow. Our last day at Initech.
I can't believe they had Security escort us out.
Like we're going to steal something.
- I stole something. - Oh, yeah. Guess we all did.
No, I stole something else.
What did you steal?
Call it a going-away present.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
[ Male Rapper ] ♪ Kill ♪
- ♪ Kill ♪ - ♪ Back up in yo1 ass with the resurrection ♪
♪ It's the group harder than an erection that shows more affection ♪
♪ They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill ♪
- ♪ 'Cause it's die, motherfuckers Die, motherfuckers, still ♪ - ♪ Still ♪
♪ All along it was the ghetto Nothin' but the ghetto ♪
♪ Takin' short steps One foot at a time ♪
♪ And kept my head low and never let go ♪
♪ 'Cause if I let go then I'd be spineless ♪
- ♪ I'm goin' insane ♪ - ♪ I think my mind just goes out of control ♪
♪ You judge on subjects motherfuckers read about ♪
♪ I touch on the shit that they be leavin' out ♪
♪ I seen this motherfucker's .9 smokin', I seen it ♪
♪ I bet you motherfuckers will too ♪
♪ Because it's die, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers still, fool ♪
- ♪ Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪ - ♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers still ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪
- ♪ Die, motherfuckers still ♪ - ♪ Kill ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪
♪ Die, motherfuckers Die, motherfuckers, still ♪
♪ I-I-- I-I-- I think it's somethin' in the water, man ♪
♪ I-It's gotta be in the water ♪
♪ Oh, fuck ♪
♪ Chuck's on a killin' spree again ♪
♪ We guillotine for men ♪
♪ I walk around town with a frown on my face ♪
♪ Fuck the whole world fixin' to catch a murder case ♪
♪ Gonna murder and rape ♪
♪ May increase if you caught up in the world while it's dyin' ♪
[ Continues On Stereo ] ♪ I guarantee you fryin' 'Cause I am ♪
♪ On the verge of knockin' motherfuckers out for no reason ♪
♪ Once I get down there'll be no breathin' ♪♪ [ Fades ]
[ Michael ] Who's got my keys?
- I'm driving. Not you. - Everything is gonna be okay. All right?
- Peter-- Peter-- - Okay? It's fun, and it's exciting.
- Be serious. - I gotta go. All right?
Joanna's coming over. All right? Don't worry.
You're worrying. All right?
Monday morning we're gonna check the account balance. Everything'll be okay.
Don't miss Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there. All right?
- Good night. - ♪ Back up in your ass with the resurrection ♪
Hey, what were you guys celebrating last night?
Uh... I'm not really at liberty to talk about it.
I really can't
All right, so when the subroutine compounds the interest...
it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off.
So we simplified the whole thing...
and we just-- we round 'em all down and drop the remainder...
into an account that we opened.
So, you're stealing.
Uh, no. You don't understand.
It's, uh-- It's very complicated.
It's, uh-- It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here.
And, uh, over time they add up to a lot.
Oh, okay. So, you're gonna make a lot of money, right?
- Yeah. - Right? That's not yours?
- Uh, well, it becomes ours. - How is that not stealing?
I don't think, uh-- I don't think that I'm explaining this very well.
- Um, the 7-Eleven, right? - Mm-hmm.
You'd take a penny from the tray.
- From the crippled children? - No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray.
The-- You know, the pennies for everybody.
Oh. For everybody-- Okay.
Yeah, well, those are whole pennies. All right?
I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here.
Okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray a couple of million times.
So what's wrong with that?
- I don't know. It just seems wrong. - It's not wrong.
Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation.
Chotchkie's is wrong.
Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Well, maybe you should.
You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
What?
Look, we don't-- I-I—
We don't have to talk about this now.
- Let's just go to the barbecue. - Okay.
Michael! Samir! How you doin'?
- Hey, Tom. - Hello, Tom.
I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Rob Newhouse.
- Rob, Michael, Samir. - How you doing?
Peter! How are you? I'm glad you could make it.
Tom, hi. This is somebody I'd like you to meet.
- This is Joanna. - Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
[ Groaning ]
Uh-- Uh, Peter, come here a minute. I wanna show you something.
Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.
[ Peter ] Huh! That's exactly as you described it.
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, listen, I heard about your settlement.
- Congratulations. - Well, thanks, Peter.
You know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to talk to you.
I know how you get depressed about your job and all.
I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I used to be the same way.
- Really? - Sure!
Maybe I didn't whine as much, but I bet I hated my job even more than you.
And I've been doing it for over 30 years.
- Wow. -Just remember.
If you hang in there long enough...
good things can happen in this world.
I mean, look at me. [ Chuckling ]
Thanks, Tom.
Oh, sure.
[ Chattering ]
Conjugal visits? Not that I know of.
A minimum-security prison is no picnic.
I have a client in there right now.
He says, the trick is, kick someone's ass the first day...
or become someone's bitch.
Then everything'll be all right.
Why do you ask, anyway?
Oh, no, we were just-- Sorry. Sorry.
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
- Hey, Peter. - Drew.
That's somethin' about ol' Smykowski, huh?
- Yeah. - Lucky bastard.
Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Yeah.
Who's she here with?
She's with me.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right, Peter. Ooh! Ooh!
- Right on. - [ Chuckling ]
Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Why is that, Drew?
Are you kidding me? She gets around.
[ Chuckles ] All right?
She does, does she?
Oh, yeah, like a record. [ Laughs ]
Like with who?
Oh, let's see, uh-- [ Scoffs ]
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her. [ Snickering ]
Let me see who else.
Uh, Dick Rennie--
- Lumbergh? - Eric Louis--
So, what if-- Oh. What if you get caught?
I just don't know if this was such a good idea.
Yeah, well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with Lumbergh.
What?
What are you--
Oh, right. Lumbergh.
Aah!
Oh, God. Lumbergh.
Peter, what is wrong with you?
That was, like two years ago. What, did you know him?
Yeah, I know him. I know him. He's my boss.
He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss!
Oh, he's not that disgusting.
He represents all that is soulless and wrong!
- And you slept with him. - Hey!
That is none of your business. Okay?
I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together.
- I don't care. - Well, I didn't think you slept with guys like Lumbergh!
Listen to you.
Who do you think you are? How dare you judge me.
I mean, what are you? Some kind of angel here?
No, you're just this penny-stealing...
wannabe criminal... m-man.
Yeah, well, that may be...
but at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
Okay, that's-- I'm done. I wanna get out of the car.
- Fine. - Stop!
Just call me when you grow up.
You know, that's never gonna happen. So just don't call me.
Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh fucked her.
Lumbergh... fucked her.
That's great.
I mean, she was seein' the "O" face, for sure!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Sss. Ooh. - Ooh! Ooh!
If you could go ahead and just move a little bit to the left-- That's it.
Great. [ Inhales ]
Peter! What's happening?
Um, could you get me those T.P.S. reports ASAP? Mm-kay?
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs, Panting ]
-Joanna. - Yeah?
We need to talk.
Do you know what this is about?
[ Sighs ] My, uh, flair?
Yeah.
Or, uh, your lack of flair.
Because, uh, I'm counting and I only see 1 5 pieces.
Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
What do you think of a person...
who only does the bare minimum?
Huh. What do I thi-- Uh, you know what, Stan?
[ Sighs ] If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair...
like your pretty boy over there, Brian...
why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do.
I do wanna express myself. Okay? And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
All right?
There's my flair. Okay?
And this is me expressing myself.
Okay?
There it is.
I hate this job. I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it!
[ Beeping ]
Oh, shit.
- Shit! Shit! - Oh, shit.
Son of a bitch! Shit!
- This is a-- Fuck! I-- I— - Son of a bitch!
- Shit! - What happened?
- You tell me, Michael! It's your software! - Yes! It's your software!
Corporate Accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,3—
26.1 3, Michael!
Oh, shit!
They probably won't know it's gone for another three or four days.
Michael, you said the thing was gonna take two years!
What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work!
- Technically, it did work. - No, it didn't!
It did not work, Michael! Okay?
Okay, okay! Okay. Okay.
I must've put a decimal point in the wrong place or something.
Shit, I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.
Oh! Well, this is not a mundane detail, Michael!
Hey, quit getting pissed at me, all right?
This was all your idea, asshole.
All right. Okay. Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.
Let's just try to figure this thing out together.
The first thing we gotta do is close that account before it gets any bigger.
[ Singing Unenthusiastically ] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Mr. Lumbergh ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
[ Lumbergh ] Doesn't that look terrific.
Mmm!
Here, Peg. You wanna get everybody started there?
Mmm! Oh, that is terrific.
- Just terrific. Thanks, everybody. - Thank you.
Really. I really, really appreciate it. It's very special.
Now, Milton! Don't be greedy!
Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
'Kay, but last time I didn't receive a piece, and I was told that--
-Just pass. - Okay.
But this-- this-- If-- There-- There--
I just-- See, the cake--
There's lots of cake, but there's--
The ratio of people to cake is--
[ Milton Muttering ]
All I want is a piece of cake--
I think there's-- there's a piece of--
[ Muttering ] I could set the building on fire.
I-Is there some way to just give the money back?
What, do you mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing?
I think they'd figure that out.
Well, we have to do something.
Maybe we could launder the money.
That's a great idea.
- Okay, how do we do that? - I don't-- I don't know.
I don't even know what it means. I was hoping you knew.
- I think coke dealers do it. - All right, do we know any coke dealers?
M-My cousin's a coke head.
Fuck. We're in deep shit.
Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.
[ Grunts ]
Milton.
- Yes? - What's happening?
- I wanted to see you-- - Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?
Wh-- No.
Since you're down here, it would be really great if you could just sort of...
take care of the cockroach problem we've been having in here.
No, that's really not my job, and I— I haven't received my paycheck--
So, for now why don't you get yourself a flashlight...
and a can of pesticide and crawl back--
Bill? We need you upstairs right away.
We got a big problem. Big.
Some major glitch in Accounting.
- A lot of money missing. - Hmm.
We've got an investigator here.
- Excuse me? - [ Footsteps Ascending Stairs ]
- Excuse me! - [ Door Slams ]
Well... okay, but... that's the last straw.
Here we go. Here we go.
Uh, "launder."
"To clean--" No. "Wash."
Here it is: "To conceal the source of money...
as by channeling it through an intermediary."
"To conceal a source of money--"
That doesn't really help us, Michael.
I can't believe what nerds we are...
looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
Yeah, well...
you guys can both eat my ass, okay?
I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh. That's what I can't believe.
- You didn't know that? - Yeah. You didn't know that?
A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.
You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy? The young guy?
Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill? [ Snickers ]
- [ Snickering ] - [ Laughing ]
Fuckin'-- Their children would have hooves.
[ Laughing Continues ]
- Ron's not related to Bill, is he? - [ Knocking ]
Who's that?
All right, nobody panic. Probably just Lawrence.
[ Haltingly ] Good evening. My name is Steve. I come from a rough area.
I used to be addicted to crack, but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.
- Okay. - That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
- No. - W-W-Wait a minute.
You used to be addicted to crack?
Yeah, b--
Um, w--
Look, I'm very sorry.
I do not know anything about any money laundering.
No, we're not asking you about money laundering.
- We need you to hook us up with-- - Michael, he doesn't know anybody.
No, wait-- wait a minute. Look.
You just give us the name of one drug dealer. I could talk to him.
- I have good networking skill-- - [ Normal Voice ] I lied.
All that stuff I said about being a crackhead just helps me sell magazines.
I'm actually an unemployed software engineer.
- You're a software engineer? - Yep.
Things, uh, must be very rough for you.
Actually, man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions...
than I ever did at Initrode.
At Initrode?
Wait a minute. You're not gonna tell anybody about this stuff we told you.
I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's--
[ Clears Throat ] Actually, um, that all depends.
Wh--
What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
We never should have done this. What were we thinking?
You know what I can't figure out?
How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal mafia guys can be so good at crime...
and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?
We're new to it, though.
If we had more experience--
No, you know what I think? I think we're screwed.
There's enough evidence all over that building to link us to thiS.
Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to. What we've done is bad enough.
We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison.
No, no, no, we're going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
I-I-I don't want to go to any prison!
Why the hell did I do this?
I've never done anything wrong in my whole life.
We weren't thinking clearly because you told us we were losing our jobs.
And now we're worried about going in a prison.
Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
[ Scoffs ]
- I'm going home. - Me too.
You are a very bad person, Peter.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
Lawrence, you awake?
Yeah.
You wanna come over?
No, thanks, man. I don't want you fuckin' up my life too.
Goddamn.
And in light of the senselessness of these heinous crimes...
that you have committed against Initech...
I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton...
and Samir Naan--
Nanadajibad...
to a term of no less than four years...
in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.
[ Sniffling, Sobbing ]
Peter Gibbons...
you've led a trite and meaningless life.
And you're a very bad person.
[ Gavel Bangs, Reverberates ]
[ Sighs ]
Hey.
You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?
No. No, I got fired.
What happened?
I flipped off my boss...
some customers--
Actually, a line cook, but he just happened to be standing there, so--
I might be going away for a while...
uh, to jail.
You were right about that computer scam. That was a bad idea.
I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided.
I'm on my way now to return the money and leave a confession...
under Lumbergh's door.
Joanna, I want to apologize.
I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem.
Wasn't even the right Lumbergh.
I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy...
like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.
Peter, most people don't like their jobs.
But you go out there and you find something that makes you happy.
Yeah, well...
I may never be happy at my job...
but I think that if I could be with you...
that I could be happy with my life.
I've been a real asshole.
But if you could give it another shot, I promise--
Okay, shut up.
Whoa! Hey! What's going on here?
Get a room, you two! [ Cackles ]
Nyah-nyah-nyah! [ Laughing ]
I hate that guy.
[ Sighs ]
Then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to Payroll...
and then Payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
I still haven't received my paycheck, and he took my stapler.
He never brought it back.
Then they moved by desk to storage room "B" and there was garbage on it--
Why don't you go back down and sit at your desk.
-Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute. -I want to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.
Just go sit at your desk. Okay?
Okay, but I— I-- I'm gonna just--
I'm telling you right now, my desk is located in the basement.
I'm sure you know where it is.
- [ Milton Continues Muttering ] - [ Door Closes ]
I'm just gonna have to take my stapler back.
Because it's my stapler, and I told Mr.— It's my-- It's--
It's my stapler. It's a Swingline.
I've been using it for a long time.
[ Continues Muttering ] It doesn't bind up--
Lawrence. You in there?
Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.
Hey.
- So, I might be going away for a while. - Yeah, I know, man.
It's a bummer, dude. What can I say?
Yeah. Uh--
Well, time to go face the music.
You take care of yourself if I don't see you. All right?
- You too, man. Take 'er easy, bud. - All right.
All right.
- Hey, Peter. - Yeah?
Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
Okay, Lawrence.
[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]
- [ Radio: Dispatcher, Indistinct ] - [ Chattering, Murmuring ]
[ Fireman ] Stay clear, now! Stay clear!
Holy shit!
Excuse me.
[ Milton Muttering ]
And, uh-- I mean, can I-- I was here first. I have to--
Oh, gosh.
Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.
You don't want that, Peter, man. That's toasted, man.
I think I know someone who might want this.
♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]
[ Horn Honks ]
Hey, man!
Wanna go to lunch?
Brought mine in a pail.
Plus, Joanna's supposed to come by a little later.
So, how do you like your new job?
Not too bad. Not too bad.
How's, uh, Penetrode?
- Intertrode. - Intertrode.
- They're all right. - It's work.
Yeah. Yeah.
Probably get you a job there if you want.
No, thanks. I, uh-- I'm doing good here.
So, uh...
we're gonna be okay, right?
Yeah.
I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
I wonder if the money burned up.
It would be a shame.
- Yeah. - So you're sure you don't want us to get you a job?
That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.
- Okay. - All right, chief.
- You guys take care. All right? - All right.
Stay in touch, man.
Okay. Will do.
This isn't so bad, huh?
Making bucks, getting exercise...
working outside.
Fuckin'-A
Excuse me. Excuse me, señor.
May I speak to you, please?
I asked for a Mai Tai, and they brought me a Piña Colada.
And I said no salt-- no salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it.
- LO siento mucho, señor. [ Muttering ] Pinche gringo. - Big grains of salt--
If this happens again, I won't be leaving a tip.
'Cause I could-- I could shut this whole resort down.
Sir?
I could take my traveler's checks to a competing resort.
I could write a letter to your board of tourism...
and I could have this place condemned.
I could put-- I could put strychnine in the guacamole.
There was salt on the glass. Big grains of salt.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
[ Man Vocalizing, Echoing ]
Give her a ride on the old bone roller coaster.
- Aaaah! [ Chuckles, Whistles ] - [ Lumbergh ] Mmm!
Yeah.
[ Man Rapping ] ♪ Yo, 6:00 every morning ♪
♪ You wakin' up yawnin' to the sound of your alarm clock alarmin' ♪
♪ About an hour from now you should be at your place of employment ♪
♪ Which is annoyin' 'cause it's so borin' Your coworkers been talkin' ♪
Hey, don't come back in a dress, man!
[ Chuckles ] You big fag!
♪ You wonder why your workload is so enormous ♪
♪ 'Cause your boss just laid off three-quarters of the whole office ♪
♪ People get depressed They get ulcers ♪
♪ From the stress that the corporate environment causes ♪
♪ Regardless of how you ultimately wanna solve this ♪
♪ Seems to me like you got one of four choices ♪
♪ You could take a new job offer for more tips ♪
♪ Stick it out a little longer or forfeit ♪
♪ But my advice to anybody who wants to quit ♪
I'm working at Hooters now, and it's very cool.
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job Take this job ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪ - ♪ Yo ♪
♪ If your boss is an S.O.B. ♪
♪ Tell him to S-H-O-V-E the J-O-B ♪
♪ Put your middle finger up slowly ♪
♪ Put it close enough to his face so he can examine it closely ♪
♪ Say "I ain't workin' here no more ♪
♪ Who do you think you are?" ♪
♪ Rip the apron off Throw it on the floor ♪
♪ Run to the door to the pay phone Make a toll-free call ♪
♪ Tell your spouse what happened and where you are ♪
♪ So they can come to get you in the car later on ♪
♪ And help you search for a new 9:00-to-5:00 job ♪
♪ If the unemployment line ain't that long ♪
♪ You can take your time fillin' out W-9 forms ♪
♪ Eventually you'll get on if you try hard enough ♪
♪ And you'll get money if you keep punchin' your time card enough ♪
♪ Maybe you hate it Maybe you love it ♪
♪ But if you hate it all you gotta do is get mad and tell your boss to ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job Take this job ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪ - ♪ Yo ♪
♪ Some occupations are like slave gigs ♪
♪ The boss's favorite'll get placed in somethin' spacious ♪
♪ While the most hated get placed in some small cubicle spaces ♪
♪ Or get thrown down in the basement ♪
♪ Get your stapler confiscated ♪
♪ You constantly waitin' for a paycheck ♪
♪ Twelve months pass by and you still ain't get paid yet ♪
♪ Here's an optimistic motto ♪
♪ If you ever late for today you can say you early for tomorrow ♪
♪ Most 9:00-to-5:00s are hard ♪
♪ 'Cause the description of the job ain't no picnic in the park ♪
♪ People get hired Drink coffee to stay wired ♪
♪ So they don't get tired sleep late and get fired ♪
♪ You came in late You already ate ♪
♪ Now you wanna take a lunch break ♪
♪ Hey, yo, bust it Ain't no need to discuss it ♪
♪Just take this job and shove it right between your buttocks ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ Take this job Take this job ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪ - [ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I, I, I, I, I-I-I-I ♪
♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
♪ I-I, I-I-I ♪
- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪ - [ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.
♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪
♪ Cannabis and the Biz ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪
♪ It's comin' from Cannabis and the Biz ♪
♪ What, what What ♪
♪ It's comin' from Cannabis and the Biz ♪
- ♪ Ahhh, ahhh ♪ - ♪ From ♪
♪ From Cannabis and the ♪